wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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