i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
