I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
two words: eviction party
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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