I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
