You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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