It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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