I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
