Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Help. Why am I so naked?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
