theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
