I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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