She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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