she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He shit in the fireplace
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
