I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
