I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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