An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
