i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
