It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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