Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
