Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
