i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
