I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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