we have pet lesbian snakes
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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