This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
soo... how was my night?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
