he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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