My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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