So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
