I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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