Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
