he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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