I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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