Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
