got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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