i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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