new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
