I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
