Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
