You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
