so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize