i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
