My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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