I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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