Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
home. puking in laundry basket.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
3 2 1 whiskey
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
