I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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