so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
