I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
