3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
