I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
