she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
