He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
