wakey wakey hands off snakey
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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