My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize