just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
