The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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