i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
