Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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