I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
