JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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