Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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