I just made out with a guy for $7.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
