it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
