So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
