Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
