Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
